Memories

When Camille and Caleb were just babies, a Christian friend came for a visit.  He looked at Caleb and said, "This must be your Ishmael."  Up until that point, I always believed that because we were in the process of adopting God allowed me to conceive Camille.  As soon as he said those words, I began to wonder.  In those days I was journaling and reading my Bible every single day.  In my journal (prior to starting the adoption proceedings) I wrote, "I know God will open my womb.  It's just in His time."  Was Caleb really my Ishmael?  I began to believe that he was.  God must be letting me suffer the consequences for going outside of His will.  I mean, I didn't want to adopt a mentally challenged child.  I didn't seek that out for myself.  The endless therapies, the constant vomiting, the colic and crying 20 hours a day.  I certainly must be out of God's will.  

Oh, how I am so happy I no longer believe that crap!  It is what it is and I blame no one.  If God is punishing me, I won't believe it!  I'd rather believe in a big cosmic mistake than to believe that shit.  I always thought God had a big old "SMITE" button and it said "MISTY" right across the front of it.  You know...like the Easy Button that Staples has?  Except it was a smite button and God pushed it just to piss me off.  It is SO nice to know that He really doesn't care about pissing me off.  I don't even believe anymore that he puts me through trials to "grow" me.  I can honestly say that since I have abandoned these beliefs, my life has been so much happier.  So easy.  So FREE!!  

So if the Son sets you free, YOU WILL BE FREE INDEED!!